Sons of Loki

I’ve been thinking about visiting Russia at some point next year – there’s borsch, and gorgeous Metro stations in Moscow, and the beautiful State Hermitage in St Petersburg, and also lots and lots of vodka. The only problem is how to get there.

I’m used to hand assembling my travels – find a flight, then find a hotel, then arrange transport. If you get a choice of holiday deals from a travel agent, you might not get exactly what you want, but there is the advantage of sometimes getting a better deal than you could booking it yourself – plus not having to worry. It’s all done for you – you just have to pays your money and takes your seat.

I think we take the EU for granted – you just need a passport and you’ve got unlimited travel across 27 countries. It’s only when you go outside the EU that you realise that the rest of the world is carefully wrapped in red tape. To visit Russia, for example, what you need is a lengthy checklist:

• Find a hotel and book the dates you want.
• Receive a letter of invitation.
• Send it off to the visa company with your passport, application form, photo, and – if you’re un/self-employed – provide a sheaf of bank statements.
• Pay £50 for the visa, £26 for the service, and £7.40 for your passport to be posted back to you.
• Finally, book your flights.

“Go to London! I guarantee you’ll either be mugged or not appreciated. Catch the train to London, stopping at Rejection, Disappointment, Backstabbing Central and Shattered Dreams Parkway.”
– Alan Partridge

Well, it’s not all bad. It’s never cheap, but London is home to some of the world’s most famous museums – and if you’re wondering what to do on your trip, the best news is that some of the top attractions in the capital are completely free. Here’s a list of the best ones:

• The British Museum dates back to 1753, but some of the exhibitions are far older than that. Key attractions include the Rosetta Stone, a 5,300-year old Egyptian mummy, and ancient Anglo-Saxon treasures. Visitors can even get to handle ancient treasures like Roman coins in the Hands On sessions. Located close to Holborn Underground station and open from 10am to 5:30pm, admission is free for all visitors and foreign language audio guides are available. It can be a tad stuffy – well, it is a museum – but the sheer amount of history here makes it a must-see.
• Facing Trafalgar Square is the stately National Gallery, a collection of over 2,300 paintings from the 13th century onwards. Though small compared to some European galleries, the collection provides an unrivalled sampling of Western art. Just about every famous European painter is present in the gallery’s collection: the exhibition’s highlights include works by da Vinci, Gainsborough, Constable, Seurat, and of course van Gogh’s “Sunflowers”.
• A few minutes from St Paul’s Cathedral is the Museum of London, another top free museum in the city. Opened in 1976 and recently undergoing a £20m refurbishment, the museum covers the history of London from prehistoric times, through Roman “Londinium” and medieval turmoil, right up to World War II and contemporary London. Highlights include examples of London fashion, including styles from Mary Quant and Alexander McQueen.
• Meanwhile, running along Exhibition Road in Kensington are three of London’s top museums – and they’re all free. Fantastic for kids, the Science Museum is the fifth most popular museum in the UK. Streams of visitors come to see over 300,000 exhibits, such as the famous Stephenson’s Rocket, the first jet engine, and a working model of Charles Babbage’s famous 19th century analog computer, the Difference Engine. Recent attractions include the IMAX 3D cinema and a brand new digital technology collection.
• A short distance away is the Natural History Museum. Built in 1880, the stunning architecture of this “cathedral of nature” is almost an attraction in itself. Inside are over 70 million specimens, a world class research centre, and enough exhibits to keep your kids and adults alike entertained for hours – all for free. In the central hall stands a 105-foot diplodocus skeleton; elsewhere you can see a full-scale model of a blue whale, experience an earthquake simulator, and enjoy regular special exhibitions.
• Finally, the Victoria and Albert Museum – established in 1857 and opened by the Queen herself – is the world’s biggest museum of art and design. The V&A’s top attractions include ancient Ming vases, King James II’s wedding suit, a full-size replica of Michelangelo’ David and a stunning 125 ft plaster cast of Trajan’s Column – it’s hard to understand just how huge it is until you’ve seen it yourself. The museum itself is a beautiful example of post-Victorian architecture, with peaceful gardens outside the refreshment rooms.

You’ll probably wind up spending twice what you expected on novelty keychains and mouse mats (who uses mouse mats these days, anyway?) but there’s a breathtaking array of free museums with world-class exhibitions in every field imaginable. Don’t hesitate to drop in on one or more of the museums on this list next time you’re visiting.

Saturday, June 18th
Back to Tampere, where Milka’s dad was breaking out bad puns to rival my own – e.g., “I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.” He took us out on their motorboat. God, I love boats. Why can’t I live on a lake?

Sunday, June 19th
“I’ll teach you the rules as we go along,” said Marko, teaching me eight-ball pool, “unless I start losing, in which case I’ll invent new rules.”

Monday, June 20th
I cooked the in-laws Shepherd’s Pie as a thank you for looking after me so well and I think I did a pretty good job, although the mash was far too watery. Then I did something I’ve always wanted to do – Milka and I broiled ourselves in the sauna and whacked ourselves with birch leaves her dad had collected, which left a wonderful aroma in the air and served as a refreshingly brute-force massage. Then we ran out of the house and down to the beach and waded into the chilly evening water and when I had plucked up enough courage, dunked myself in up to my neck.
Aaargh! But after the initial shock, it actually wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was positively invigorating, to take a swim in the lake under the setting sun. I wish I’d done it earlier.

Tuesday, June 21st
This was midsummer, and we made a trip to see Milka’s grandfather’s summer cottage. It, too, was next to a lake, and it was amazing – true Scandinavian design, all wood and rugs and fireplaces.



Milka’s grandfather built this little lakeside cottage himself. With his own hands. This is something I don’t think modern men are able to do.

Wednesday, June 22
Alas, the time had come to leave Finland. I said farewell to the beautiful house and the beautiful cats and Milka’s mum drove Milka and me to Tampere Airport, where I was surprised to see the Baltic Bees airshow team in their L39 Albatrosses. Albatrossi.

Check-in was slightly disrupted because my carry-on was 1 kg too heavy, but rather than pay €40 to check it in, I ditched two books and put on an extra shirt and scraped it through at 9.8 kg. Savings! (By the way, there’s a copy of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo at Tampere-Pirkkala Airport if anyone wants it.)

A quick coffee and panini in the cafe (where my attempt to order in Finnish was given a kind smile before the cashier switched me to English) and a flawless flight home, except for a slightly dodgy landing (flare! flare!). Caught the train, home by 8pm: and so my European adventure came to an end.

Friday, June 17th
It seemed sensible to visit Helsinki, capital of Finland, so we caught a bus from the cool 30s-style bus station. I was all ready to take a train, but the buses are really convenient: you don’t have to book in advance, you just pay 20-odd euro to the driver and can go and leave whenever.

The people were pretty similar in Finland – perhaps a few more tourists – but the city felt older, more classically European. We had a wander about and then chanced upon the jawdropping Senate Square, filled with throngs of tourists admiring the beauty of Carl Ludvig Engel’s Helsinki Cathedral.



There were a few crowds of tourists on all inclusive holidays in the square – I think I caught smatterings of Spanish and Korean. Then the Air Force Band turned up, which was a welcome surprise, and played us a tune.

We decided to take a stroll down to the Design District, a very trendy (and expensive) area of design stores south of the city centre. Even though everything in the stores was about twice what I’d want to pay, it was such beautiful design – Arabic, Marrimekko, various other Finnish design houses.


We went to the Helsinki Designmuseo (Design Museum), which was a bargain at €2 for students. I didn’t even realise how much iconic design has come out of Finland, such as Eero Aarnio’s famous Ball Chair (think the exam scene in Men In Black). They had another exhibition upstairs about the designer Kaj Franck – everyone in Finland appears to have some of his designs in a cupboard somewhere, which is truly the sign of great design.

Onwards to the stunning Temppeliaukio Kirkko (Rock Church), a church hewn from rock and domed with a stunning glass and wood roof.

We stopped at the Fazer Cafe for coffee and a delicious and I bought my mum a Moomin with liquorice sticks. There was also a Moomin store upstairs – I heard a couple speaking Japanese and I really wanted to say something, but I decided it wouldn’t be proper. I also bought a fluffy … thing from a fashion store called Munki, which will hopefully make a nice cushion in my flat next year.

The Parliament, where we didn’t see any celebrities/Finnish politicians. At least, not that I knew.

We had a last coffee with Milka’s friend Lauri, and after a quick wander around Clas Ohlson we got the bus back to Tampere and home.

Sunday, June 12th
It rained.

After the fine weather of the day before, it thundered and rumbled and poured down for most of the day. At least the lightning flashing over the lake looked cool. We went for a walk when it dried up a little. Milka showed me this thing where you put a stick in an anthill and the ants pee on it and the pee tastes great. I couldn’t really taste anything.

Monday, June 13th
This day we moved to Tampere, the Manchester of Finland. It felt nice! like Osaka or Chicago – that ‘second city’ feeling, where things are a little more laidback and the scale is a little more comprehensible. We dropped off our bags at Milka’s brother’s flat in the suburb/satellite of Hervanta, one of those weird housing developments I guess you don’t really see in England. It’s all enormous apartment blocks at fixed angles, which reminded me a little of Pripyat and other Soviet planned cities.

We went for coffee at a place called Arnolds, which did amazing donuts, and then Hesburger, which did a pretty decent burger. Not much else happened: wandered around and did a little window shopping. Everyone looked downright miserable. I thought Scandinavian countries were meant to be happy places to live?

Tuesday, June 14th

Matt Eating Things, #3: Reindeer Bagel

We went for a walk through town past the beautiful Alexander Church and Milka’s old high school to the Moomin Museum.

It was a surprisingly quiet, dignified place, full of sketches and paintings by Tove Jansson and dozens of beautiful dioramas of the stories made with obvious love and care by Tove’s partner, Tuulikki Pietilä. The crowning achievement was an enormous model of the Muumitalo, the Moominhouse, crammed full of little details from the jars of preserves in the basement to Moominpappa taking in the view from his balcony.

After buying a few postcards we took a bus to Ideapark, a shopping mall out of town.

We had a wander about, taking in the toy shops (ah, to be a child again!), eating at Pancho Villa, running over the enormous map of Finland and environs printed on the floor in the middle, and browsing the expensive bathtubs and saunas on the top floor showroom. Good place to spend an afternoon.

Wednesday, June 15th

The tongue-twistingly named Sarkanniemi! was our destination, an amusement park on a spit of land on the northern coast of Tampere, and we couldn’t have picked a better day. It looked as if it were about to rain, but it never actually did, so the crowds stayed away. We practically had the place to ourselves. First up was Tyrsky (“Surge”), a spinny thing on a wavy track that was a pleasing opening to the day (I think visiting a theme park is like enjoying a three-course meal; warm up with an appetiser, go to the meat, have dessert and then maybe an extra helping at the end if you have time). We rode Jet Star, a wild mouse coaster that was everything a wild mouse coaster should be (a little bit painful but always fun) and stopped for a hot dog, which was served with mustard, ketchup and chopped gherkins in a green gloop which was way tastier than it should have been.

Next up was a newish coaster, Motigee, with a theme of motorbikes. You sit on little motorbike-shaped seats and after a flywheel launch are hurled around the shortish track. It was pretty good, but didn’t leave much of an impression on me.

We went up the big observation tower, next. Nassineula is the tallest observation tower in Scandinavia, apparently. It struck me, looking out over Tampere, how many apartment blocks there are – I guess a big part of Tampere’s population lives in apartment blocks, those lovely European-style ones. I can’t help but wish that Britain was more like this – I mean, obviously we experimented with tower blocks, but it turned out pretty crap. Everyone wants their own little patch of grass, it seems.

After that we hit the planetarium, which was showing some pretty dull movie about fish that had nothing to do with planets. Shame, because I was excited about seeing a planetarium. Then the park’s aquarium, which was alright. I love creepy-looking fish.

On to the rapids, where I didn’t get that wet (sadly), and the petting zoo, which was cute, but most of the animals either ran away from me or looked like they were about to kill me.

After this … meat pie thing (like a donut with mince and gherkins inside? I don’t know, but it was delicious) we rode Tornado, the big Intamin steel coaster. Intamin ain’t no B&M, that’s for sure, but it was a classy ride; big station dug out of the natural rock, a loop, cobra roll, and two heartline rolls before rattling back into the station. It was so empty that we ran back around and got on straight away for a second go.

Dolphins.

DOLPHINS! Who could have thought dolphins would be so smart? We went to see the dolphin show, and I was blown away. Jumping – such enormous creatures – so high in the air – and in perfect unison, three or four or five at a time. It was breathtaking.

After that we rode the newish coaster Trombi, a flying coaster tucked away in one corner of the park. The only other flying coaster I’ve been on, Alton Towers’ Air, is also my all-time favourite, so I was excited about this one.
Milka warned me it was uncomfortable, and it was – banged about, squished and squeezed on the sharp turns and rolls. And yet it was nevertheless a fun ride, if you ignored the pain. There was no queue, so we just went on for another ride after the first one.

The day was dimming – well, as dim as it gets in a country with about an hour of night in summer. We rode Tornado one last time, had a go on the ghost train for a laugh, and then closed off the day with a go on the Magic River – a quiet little boat ride. I was astonished to see some glum teens whirling around on the Take Off ride with stoic, unimpressed faces contorted slightly by the g-forces. Ah, Finland.

Thursday, June 17th

Today we made a beeline for the Lenin Museum, the only one of its kind. Lenin has a bit of history in Finland, and it was in Tampere – in the meeting hall that is now the museum – where he and Stalin first met. The museum was on the third floor of the former Worker’s Hall of Tampere, beautifully decorated inside with marble and ornate staircases. The guy on the reception even looked like the man, shaved head and little goatee (or … maybe this guy).

The exhibits were mostly in Finnish, but it was still really interesting to learn about the path Lenin took through Finland during the tumultuous decades of the early 20th century. They had a collection of paintings of Lenin, including one charming Ukrainian design – made from thousands of seeds – and such oddities as the furniture from his Tampere apartment and a green sofa (in the picture below) that Stalin and Lenin spent a few nights on (not, presumably, at the same time).

We meandered around the museum shop, bought a few postcards, and went for a beer and all-you-can-eat pizza.

Tomorrow: Helsinki!

I am quite sure that the majority of blog posts begin “Sorry for not updating sooner”, but even given that, sorry for not updating sooner. To be honest, though, not a great deal has happened. I have continued gainful employment; listened to a number of audiobooks, including the excellent American Gods
ably read by George Guidall; tried my hand at learning languages by ear, with various results (Wo ist die Goethestrasse?); sent a synopsis for a book about Japan to three agents and one publisher and received three rejections; have written a few thousand words of a fledging detective story about a Whovian policeman grappling with a nascent holy war; and, as always, have found hours consumed by the time sink that is Minecraft.

I often have ideas for blog posts – I got a lot of opinions, and my day gives me a lot of long empty hours to think about stuff. But then I get home and slump in front of the PC or TV and suddenly I don’t want to do anything.

I have been considering a rather big change in my future, though. It seems that getting funding for next year will be an uphill struggle, and I may have to pay my tuition fees myself. Even if I could do that, which is unlikely, it has made me really consider if paying £3500 to learn about dead poets is really what I want to do. It is not, if I am honest. So: I may do a journalism course instead.

The main reason for writing this update, though, is that I’m going to Finland for ten days tomorrow morning to stay with the beautiful Milka-Maria in Tampere. Finland! My first stay in a European country, unless you count a day-trip to France with the school. Land of lakes and bears and blondes and Sibelius. I’m well excited, like. Apparently the weather is great and the lakes warm and the Moomins plentiful.

I’m rather excited about sleeping in the airport, because I love airports (and I hope I never get so jaded from travelling that I get tired of airports and airplanes). London Stansted is apparently pretty good for that, too. I can take a shower! Buy a midnight snack! Play video games! It’s like a theme park for grown-ups. I’m reminded of my enthusiasm for the manga cafe in Takasaki, which wore off after ten minutes.

The plane travels over Norwich and the forecast is good, so I’m hoping for some breathtaking shots of my home city.